If You Don’t Laugh At This, You’re Asleep

My friend John, a/k/a Mondo, of the Wild Bunch (about whom I have previously written in this blog), recently circulate a list that he entitled “You know…”. Here it is, with very mild typographical corrections and a few additions submitted by John’s friends on the various lists:

• You’ve ever used a roll of toilet paper that was partially chewed up.
• You had to go outside to find a shoe.
• You had to get out of the bed and go to the recliner to get some sleep because you didn’t have any room in the bed.
• You go to work without knowing that a hole has been chewed into the sleeve of your shirt.
• You have scratches on your arm.
• You find a hair in your food, remove it, and continue eating.
• You own more than one squirt bottle.
• You can’t find either squirt bottle.
• Before you go out the front door you look behind you.
• You buy underwear more than the average person and look upon it as a dog snack.
• The cuff of your jeans are chewed up.
• The first words you say on the phone is, “let me go outside so I can hear you”.
• You go out to the dog run and look around before you wash your clothes.
• You can’t remember the last time you went to the bathroom by yourself.
• All food is put in the middle of the kitchen cabinet on top of something with the drawers open.
• When you’re eating something in the living room you take your plate with you when you get up.
• You own more dog brushes than human hair brushes.
• You own more than one lint brushe or lint roller.
• You have a lint brush in your car.
• When you go buy a new vehicle, you take a crate with you to make sure it fits.
• You own baby gates and don’t have any small children.
• If your dogs have had more dental check ups than you have.
• You carry treats in your car in case you see a pan handler with a dog.
• Before you shake a hand you show someone the back of your hand.
• You own scissors just for cutting a dogs butt and those are the only ones you can find.
• You hair brush has chew marks on it.
• Before you buy a recliner you make sure it’s color coordinated with your dog’s coat.
• You talk louder than before you got a dog.
• When you get out of bed, you shuffle your feet when you go to the bathroom.
• You put your shoes up on something when you take them off.
• You have to scoot over while sitting in a chair to make room for a dog.
• You’ve gone to work with poop on the bottom of a shoe.
• You turn the opening to the trash can towards the wall.
• You get up and check on the dogs because it’s too quiet.
• You get up and check on the dogs because they are barking.
• You know someone drove into the driveway before you hear the car.
• You know when a car drives down the road because the dogs run outside to run the fence.
• You know when your dogs had their shots but can’t remember when you had your tetanus shot.
• You plan your vacation around the availability of your dog sitter.
• You look down to see that a dog has chewed up your shoe laces while the shoes were on your feet…and you didn’t feel it.
• When someone notices that your sad and they ask if all your dogs are doing ok.
• When you know the names of all the dogs in the neighborhood, but NOT the names of the people walking them.
• You wake up from a sound sleep when you hear heavy breathing and pacing – and you don’t need the light to find the back door.
• You can vault four sleeping dogs without missing a beat when the urka-urka alarm sounds.
• You honk and wave at anyone with a “my dog is smarter than…” sticker on their bumper.
• You know that ziplock baggies aren’t just for sammiches.
• Your doorstep has “dogs welcome, children must be on a leash” on it.
• You can relate to all those mommie/baby stories – and you’re a single male.
• You have a Masters in Poopology.
• Someone says “Let me show a picture of my kids” and you’re really disappointed when you find out they only have two legs.
• When everyone at the park has two word names: Maggies mom, Charlies mom, Gingers dad. etc.
• When you see someone walking Ginger and they aren’t Ginger’s dad, you feel its your duty to stop them and find out who they are and WHY they are walking Ginger instead of Gingers dad.
• Wiping nose prints off the windows is a daily job.
• The highlight of your day is watching that rescued dog take a little step towards trusting again.
• The most extreme would be in my [John's] case, where I have one outside dog who doesn’t get along with some of my other dogs (especially Link, the 3 legged Border Collie): You buy an electric blanket for a dog.

OK, folks, let’s have some more!!